A Bridge Between Two Oceans
"All the leaves are brown, and the sky is gray.
I went for a walk on a winter's day.
I'd be safe and warm if I was in L.A.
California dreamin' on such a winter's day."
-The Beach Boys
I never thought I'd leave Jersey.
Picture a video montage with me, if you will: I'm sitting at one of three tables in my grandmother's living room. There are huge platters of food and half empty bottles of wine being passed between the forty or so people who have come to Thanksgiving dinner. We make the same joke as we do every year - that the floor will surely collapse from our collective weight, and we will soon be eating dinner in the basement. After dinner, the younger cousins crowd around five different pies in the dining room while my mom and her five sisters wash dishes and put leftovers into the fridge, all while harmonizing to some acapella Beatles' songs. Everyone gathers in the living room after dessert to take pictures and video that we will send to my aunt, uncle and three cousins in Texas, the only relatives that do not live within a half hour of my home.
The calendar changes and it's August. I drag a duffel bag in through the back door of my shore house in Sea Isle City. Everyone greets me as if I haven't just seen them all together for the 4th of July. I am not concerned about scoring a bed for the evening; only with finding a place out of a walkway for my bag. We look like a traveling circus as we descend upon the beach as a group, carrying towels, umbrellas, baseballs and jugs full of "bug juice." Later in the evening my uncle will start up the grill and churn out as many hot dogs and hamburgers as he can. Then the children will go to bed, the teens will primp before their evening on the boardwalk and the adults will drink and play music on the deck well past the time the teens will return home.
These scenes only showcase my family life. I would need a much longer montage to include the scenes with my huge group of friends - friends since high school, college friends, work friends, brand new friends. We are many, we are strange, and we will always be together in some sense. I couldn't imagine leaving these people.
December 31, 2010 - 11:45p.m.
Speech given by me to all of my closest friends.
This is the 9th annual New Year's Eve party I've had at my house. Some of you have been here the whole time, and some of you are newcomers. New Year's Eve is my favorite time of year because it reminds me of how many friends I have. Sometimes we take for granted all of the memories we've created together and how long we've been at it.
I was looking through old emails this month, many of them about 4 or 5 years old. As I read through them, I felt so many things come full circle for me. I had almost completely forgotten about large chunks of my past - of our collective past. There were times when almost all of us had created an enemy in someone else. There were secrets and drama, tears and heartbreak. After all, as Oscar Wilde put it, "True friends stab you in the front."
Looking back at all of the seemingly unsolvable obstacles we had to go through, I'm a little surprised any of you are even standing here. But here you are, and I couldn't be happier. High school, going away to college, traveling to foreign countries, break ups, melt downs, doing illegal things, moving out of state, endless parties and drunken nights - we've gone through all of it, together, and I feel like we've made it to the other side.
We're special and you all know it. There aren't many groups like ours in the world - ones who stay friends for decades, who stay close over gaps of time. We've made something special here and I am bubbling over with joy and love for all of you. One of my favorite authors, Antoine de Saint-Exupery, said that "the one thing that matters is the effort." And I'm so thrilled that all of you have made the effort to keep each one of us in your lives. I love you guys.
Saying you're going to move to California for an escape from the snow can be like saying you're going to move to Canada for an escape from U.S. politics. I always wanted to go to Cali, and two years ago I did. I took a two week cross country road trip with three of my friends, with Los Angeles being our final destination before we headed home to New Jersey. There were good things and bad things about that trip. But even the bad things couldn't stop the hope of what California could offer me from soaking deep into my skin and settling into my heart.
"It's Christmas in California,
and it's hard to ignore that it feels like summer all the time.
But I'll take a west coast winter to remove my splinters.
It's good to be alive."
- Jack's Mannequin
For the first time in my life, I feel that I CAN go, SHOULD go, and HAVE to go.
California is something that I've always wanted, in a way. Palm trees, constant sunshine...who wouldn't want to go? I have Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), so the winters here on the east coast make three or four months of my life extra hard to deal with. I can't stand cold weather. I can't stand getting out of bed some days when I know it's going to mean freezing at work, wearing layers of clothes and being absolutely miserable. It's hard to remember what the point of all of this is when my heart is frozen solid.
"All I Want"
by Lauren Ward
If I seem like I hate you...
I really don't.
I'm just miserable, feeling like hell.
Don't judge me.
I. Hate. Snow.
(You are like a knife!)
Don't know if I'll make it;
found a warm place to sleep.
I hope it helps.
Why am I still here?
I just want to say,
can't wait to move to Cali next year.
Just totally gone.
The desire to leave is more than just hating east coast weather. It's about the realization that I need to grow up, get things moving.
I use to have a checklist. It looked something like this:
1. Get a Bachelor's degree
2. Get a Master's degree
3. Start a career in publishing
4. Get married
5. Buy a house
6. Have children
7. Write a successful book
I'm 24, and I'm still on step one. But come December of this year, I will have finished step one. And although I could
move on to step two, I could come back to it as well...because the other five steps aren't going to be something I have much control over. I'm realizing that you can't plan life. Yes, I have a (free) roof over my head and a loving mother. I have two good jobs and I pay my bills. I have amazing friends. I have all of this here, in New Jersey. And while I appreciate every second of it all, I can't wait to give it up.
You know the expression "all of the puzzle pieces falling into place"? It's cliche, I know, but cliches are what they are for a reason.
Everything is clicking, the clock is ticking - I didn't even know I had all the right pieces until now, and they all fell into place
to create one big, beautiful picture before I knew what was happening.
California is something that I've always wanted, in a way. Palm trees, constant sunshine...who wouldn't want to go? I have Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), so the winters here on the east coast make three or four months of my life extra hard to deal with. I can't stand cold weather. I can't stand getting out of bed some days when I know it's going to mean freezing at work, wearing layers of clothes and being absolutely miserable. It's hard to remember what the point of all of this is when my heart is frozen solid.
"All I Want"
by Lauren Ward
If I seem like I hate you...
I really don't.
I'm just miserable, feeling like hell.
Don't judge me.
I. Hate. Snow.
(You are like a knife!)
Don't know if I'll make it;
found a warm place to sleep.
I hope it helps.
Why am I still here?
I just want to say,
can't wait to move to Cali next year.
Just totally gone.
The desire to leave is more than just hating east coast weather. It's about the realization that I need to grow up, get things moving.
I use to have a checklist. It looked something like this:
1. Get a Bachelor's degree
2. Get a Master's degree
3. Start a career in publishing
4. Get married
5. Buy a house
6. Have children
7. Write a successful book
I'm 24, and I'm still on step one. But come December of this year, I will have finished step one. And although I could
move on to step two, I could come back to it as well...because the other five steps aren't going to be something I have much control over. I'm realizing that you can't plan life. Yes, I have a (free) roof over my head and a loving mother. I have two good jobs and I pay my bills. I have amazing friends. I have all of this here, in New Jersey. And while I appreciate every second of it all, I can't wait to give it up.
You know the expression "all of the puzzle pieces falling into place"? It's cliche, I know, but cliches are what they are for a reason.
Everything is clicking, the clock is ticking - I didn't even know I had all the right pieces until now, and they all fell into place
to create one big, beautiful picture before I knew what was happening.
This is my best friend, Amy. She is the biggest puzzle piece
of them all. We had a rocky start to our friendship, but once we figured things out, there was no going back. She has always been there for me, through break ups and break downs and everything in between. I feel like as long as I have her to count on, I can figure out the rest. She's wanted to go to California for longer than I have, so we will be moving out there together. |
I think it was my younger brother who started the stir that made me want to mix things up, too. He was always smart,
but barely passed high school because he didn't feel like doing the work. I'm sure you know the type. After graduation,
he went to work on cars with our dad at his shop. Last year, when he was 19, Pat told my mom and me that he wanted to
enlist for the Marines as a Reserve. The job he would receive training for was a helicopter crew chief. After three months
of boot camp, he would be gone for almost a year for his training.
Mom and I were shocked. We protested. We tried to talk him out of it. In this political climate, I didn't think it was a good idea.
I didn't think he knew what he was getting himself into. I couldn't understand why he was going.
He graduated from USMC boot camp on January 7, 2011 on Parris Island, SC.
The day my brother graduated from boot camp, he and I left my Mom at the hotel in Beaufort and drove out to Hunting Island in
our rental car. I let him drive, even though his name wasn't on the rental agreement, because it was the first time he'd been
in a car in months. It was January but the orange glow of the sun was warm through the car windows.
Me: So you never really told me...why did you decide to up and join the Marines so suddenly?
Pat: Well, it actually wasn't that sudden. I've been thinking about it since high school. I just didn't say anything to anyone.
Me: Okay, but why'd you do it?
Pat: I dunno...I just hated owing people money. Dad, Mom, you...and I couldn't stand working for Dad anymore.
That's why I pretty much stopped going. There was never any work for me to actually do.
Me: Why didn't you just get a different job?
Pat: I never got to do what I wanted. I mean, yeah, I stayed out late and got to ride my motorcycle, but Mom was always yelling
at me and stuff. I couldn't save up for anything, like that new car I wanted. I was tired of having to listen to everyone else.
Me: (laughs) Yeah, but now you have to listen to other people.
Pat: I know. But it's better here. I make money while I'm training. I want to pay everyone back. I know you keep asking me
when I'm gonna reimburse you for those train tickets, but I have it all worked out. I have a whole payment plan that
I'm gonna do once I get all of the money.
Me: Are you really happy about this then? Even with the dangers you might face?
Pat: Yeah. I like it a lot. I'll get to work on helicopters, which is cool. I get to learn how to use weapons
and travel around during my training. But, you know...I want to get a good job and pay off Mom's mortgage and stuff.
Maybe help you out with student loans...I'll probably set Dad up, too, even though he's pretty much set as it is.
It's time I started doing the stuff I want to do. And part of that means helping you guys out.
It seemed like such a simple answer, but I was still in awe of his response. I love my brother more than anyone else in the world,
but we have never been particularly close. I can see now that that's changing. He really is growing up. He made a major,
positive change in his life and he seems very happy about it. I was (am) so proud of him.
And his words stuck with me long after I thought they would.
I want something of my own. I want a change. I want to meet brand new people and see fantastic new things.
I want to move out of my comfort zone and explore my life. I want to grow up, too -
rent a house, pay the rent, do the dishes, cook dinner, take out the trash.
I could do all of this in New Jersey, but in order to shake up my soul, I need California.
our rental car. I let him drive, even though his name wasn't on the rental agreement, because it was the first time he'd been
in a car in months. It was January but the orange glow of the sun was warm through the car windows.
Me: So you never really told me...why did you decide to up and join the Marines so suddenly?
Pat: Well, it actually wasn't that sudden. I've been thinking about it since high school. I just didn't say anything to anyone.
Me: Okay, but why'd you do it?
Pat: I dunno...I just hated owing people money. Dad, Mom, you...and I couldn't stand working for Dad anymore.
That's why I pretty much stopped going. There was never any work for me to actually do.
Me: Why didn't you just get a different job?
Pat: I never got to do what I wanted. I mean, yeah, I stayed out late and got to ride my motorcycle, but Mom was always yelling
at me and stuff. I couldn't save up for anything, like that new car I wanted. I was tired of having to listen to everyone else.
Me: (laughs) Yeah, but now you have to listen to other people.
Pat: I know. But it's better here. I make money while I'm training. I want to pay everyone back. I know you keep asking me
when I'm gonna reimburse you for those train tickets, but I have it all worked out. I have a whole payment plan that
I'm gonna do once I get all of the money.
Me: Are you really happy about this then? Even with the dangers you might face?
Pat: Yeah. I like it a lot. I'll get to work on helicopters, which is cool. I get to learn how to use weapons
and travel around during my training. But, you know...I want to get a good job and pay off Mom's mortgage and stuff.
Maybe help you out with student loans...I'll probably set Dad up, too, even though he's pretty much set as it is.
It's time I started doing the stuff I want to do. And part of that means helping you guys out.
It seemed like such a simple answer, but I was still in awe of his response. I love my brother more than anyone else in the world,
but we have never been particularly close. I can see now that that's changing. He really is growing up. He made a major,
positive change in his life and he seems very happy about it. I was (am) so proud of him.
And his words stuck with me long after I thought they would.
I want something of my own. I want a change. I want to meet brand new people and see fantastic new things.
I want to move out of my comfort zone and explore my life. I want to grow up, too -
rent a house, pay the rent, do the dishes, cook dinner, take out the trash.
I could do all of this in New Jersey, but in order to shake up my soul, I need California.
"And if you feel just like a tourist in the city you were born, then it's time to go."
- Death Cab For Cutie
- Death Cab For Cutie
California
is driving to the shore with the windows rolled down and all I can smell is salt
is the sun is setting in the summer and the pavement still warm beneath my feet
is being in a crowd of people screaming my heart out to the lead singer of a band
is listening to an album over and over again because I think God is hiding between the lyrics
is one year from now.
"California Sunset" picture was found on Google Images.
All other photography © Lauren Ward, Amy Perrino, and Cayleigh Shuey
Song lyrics © The Beach Boys, Jack's Mannequin, & Death Cab for Cutie, respectively